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In this, it is like what Sartre said (I think) which is that the way we look occurs the moment we become aware of another’s gaze. When by ourselves and ‘unseen’ by others our presentation, our understanding of ourselves can be free and self-directed, what Sartre terms “being-for-itself.” But under scrutiny, under observation, that same self-awareness or self-definition is then reframed as “being-in-itself,” an entity defined by someone else’s perspective. This shift reveals that our subjective view of ourselves is never wholly self-sufficient but always vulnerable to external definition.

It is this vulnerability to external critique that I often discuss with clients and that defines the parameters of their well-being. At times, it is the cornerstone of our therapeutic relationship encapsulated in Sartre’s remark, “I see myself because somebody sees me.” We can work together the moment they realise ‘I see them’.  Well-being for my queer clients is not always rooted in self-awareness, which is solid, but a byproduct of interpersonal vision. It is unfortunate that for them, when they realise they are looked at in public, they have to adopt the other’s vantage point, reconfiguring their body, behaviour, and freeze in anticipation of their judgment. What we are working on is the idea that this external ‘looking at’ should lose some of this potency; well-being thus springing from reducing the compulsion of becoming what we imagine the observer perceives us to be.

Crucially and unavoidably, for my queer clients out in the world and away from their own tribe, ‘the looked at’ leads to objectification. Society often views queer people as static, reducing their vibrancy and flexibility to a label to be categorized and known. As such, as Sartre would argue, this classification reduces queer people well-being and freedom.  Their potential choices are censored and filtered through the lens of how they think the observer defines them. I will give you an example – a trans male client of mine – who looks too young for his age (and does not live in the UK) – is reducing his world to activities where he does not need to ID himself, thus avoiding ‘the look’. He cannot order coffee in a Starbucks because of his youthful underage appearance, he is asked to produce ID, which is currently in his dead name and gender, and is tired of sparking an argument about how he is committing fraud. In class, when the register is called, unless he answers when called in his dead name, he is marked as absent.  He is then caught in the paradox of his teacher ‘looking’ straight at him which confirms his existence and it simultaneously constraining his capacity to define himself in his own terms.  

Sartre’s most famous observation was that “hell is other people”. In the age of ever-present cameras, social media, CCTV and other surveillance methods, ‘hell’ is more than just other people; it is unavoidable judgement, objectification and shaming. I feel that my conversations with my clients about their well-being must go further than authenticity, they need to include the ethics of how we seen others but also how we reclaim our self-definition when being seen.

(piece as seen in Embrace: Living your best Queer Life - please also check out that excellent online zine)

therapy for all kinds of reasons: stress, relationships, identity, transitions, or simply wanting to understand themselves better. Sometimes we fire fight – sometimes we grow.  

Think of it like emotional physiotherapy — not just for breaks, but for balance.

2. The therapist will tell me what to do.

Therapy isn’t advice-giving. It’s more like a conversation with someone trained to help you hear yourself clearly. You’re the expert on your life — therapy helps you trust that.

It’s not a GPS. It’s a co-pilot who helps you read your own map.

3. I don’t want to be trapped in the past  

Exploring the past isn’t about blame. It’s about noticing patterns, understanding where they came from, and deciding what you want to carry forward.

Sometimes the past is a lens, not a trap.

4. I am afraid I will cry or get emotional  

In therapy, emotion isn’t a breakdown — it’s a breakthrough. Tears aren’t weakness. They’re data. They’re release. They’re real.

You don’t have to hold it together here. You just have to show up.

5. Therapists will judge me.

A good therapist holds space without judgment. They’ve heard it all, and they’re trained to meet complexity with compassion — not moral verdicts.

You’re not too much. You’re not too broken. You’re not alone.

6. If I start…I’ll be in therapy forever.

Therapy can be short-term, long-term, or somewhere in between. Some people come weekly, some come monthly, some come when life gets loud. It’s flexible, not forever.

You set the pace a therapist will follow.  

7. Therapy is just talking — it doesn’t change anything.

Talking with intention can shift how you see yourself, your relationships, and your choices. Insight leads to action — and sometimes, that action is simply being kinder to yourself.

Words can be tools. Therapy helps you use them well.

Therapy isn’t about fixing you. It’s about meeting you — gently, honestly, and without judgment. It is about being able to be seen, heard without censoring yourself.  

before the interaction began, the makeup was secretly removed. The participants however, believed they still had the scar. Off they went... During conversations with others, these participants reported feeling judged, stared at, and treated differently—despite having no visible scar. Their belief that the scar was in place, profoundly shaped how they interpreted others’ behaviour, thinking that neutral or ambiguous social cues were rooted in other's  discrimination or discomfort. In this way, this experiment revealed a powerful psychological truth namely that our expectations and internal narratives can fundamentally impact how we experience the world. Even in the absence of actual stigma, the belief that said stigma existed, led participants to perceive social rejection. This experiment, which has incidentally been replicated successfully since, is important because it demonstrates unequivocally how our mindset 'creates our reality'. Without wishing to become overly philosophical, it reduces us to Kant's sharp divide between the world as it truly is (noumenal) and the world as we perceive it (phenomenal). He argued that we never experience reality directly—we only experience it through the lens of our own mental framework.  In this way, the Dartmouth Scar Experiment goes beyond even Kant into Sartre's ideas outlined Being and Nothingness (last bit of philosophy I promise !). Sartre said (I think) that we acquire consciousness, the moment we become aware of another’s gaze. When by ourselves and ‘unseen’ by others our presentation, our understanding of ourselves can be free and self-directed, what Sartre terms “being-for-itself.” But under scrutiny, under observation, that same self-awareness or self-definition is then reframed as “being-in-itself,” an entity defined by someone else’s perspective. This shift reveals that our subjective view of ourselves is never wholly self-sufficient but always vulnerable to external definition. Imagine how distorted our understanding of reality may become if we perceive the 'gaze' as intrinsically critical because of a believed fault....phew!... I am glad I got all that out of the way.  Philosophical musings aside, I suppose it all comes down to one thing, there is no way we can ever know anything totally objectively....and that is ok as long as we are aware that this is what goes on. Therefore before we judge ourselves and others too harshly, we should remember that it is all a bit like wearing tinted glasses—everyone’s lenses are slightly different. 

less than appropriate, least of all this year, where I have heard, from genuine sources, that a pride march was sponsored by a betting agency, with a chequered past when it comes to community rights.

Are pride sponsors authentic in their support or rainbow-washing? Are the values of the sponsor conflicting, supporting pride this month and bankrolling lobbyists anti-queer rights the next? Are they likely to run for cover at the flimsiest sign of pressure?  

Here are a few thoughts on guidelines for vetting the sponsors, these are not criticisms, but observations and suggestions.  

Pride is for the whole year not just for June: Are the corporate partners values demonstrated all year around? Are they inclusive and queer friendly?

Internal policies: do they have non-discrimination policies, can provide diversity data, support for trans-inclusive healthcare.

The P word – what are their political contributions? Have they ever backed an anti LGBTQIA+ politician? … that’s a deal-breaker.

Have a word….with local queer activists and involve them in sponsorship offers decision making.  

Sustainability – funding doesn’t need to be all corporate mega-bucks, are there local queer friendly businesses you can involve? How is your fundraising? So many local non-profit organisations with genuine queer community ties would add so much value to the endevour and keep the flame alive.  

Napoleon said that an army marches on its stomach, acknowledging the logistics of conflict. Pride marches on money but its values must guide its steps. We need to do more than just make Pride happen we need to keep the protest flame alive and look after its soul. When the funding is genuine and supports the message, the whole thing becomes that much more valuable.  

the UK's drop in ranking:

Lack of a conversion therapy ban – Despite years of advocacy, the UK has yet to implement a full ban on conversion therapy.

Limited healthcare options for young trans people – Access to gender-affirming healthcare remains restricted, further affecting the country's standing.

While the UK still maintains some protections for LGBTQIA+ individuals, its score of 45.65% is below the EU average. Countries like Malta, Belgium, Iceland, and Denmark now lead the rankings, while Russia remains the least LGBTQIA+ friendly country in Europe.

The issue not just where we are now but where we go next? Where do we draw the line in the oppression of a minority that is both benign and vulnerable? We must take urgent action to restore legal gender recognition and thankfully the Good Law Project is on the case, ban conversion therapy immediately and recognize that access to relevant healthcare access for trans and queer individuals is not a privilege but a basic human right.  

Source of map and more stats on - https://rainbowmap.ilga-europe.org/

the only creditable family unit is between man and woman and secondly because it paints men in a stereotypical knuckle dragging fashion.  

It would be easy to refute such populist writing, but I would rather make a few separate if related points. As a therapist dealing with several young adults (18 – 25) I can suggest that children form attachment to and need the validation of care givers regardless of the latter’s gender. Gay couples can be equally if not more successful in raising children, even if there is ‘no man’ or indeed ‘two men’. We do not even need to mention foster parents, single parents and adoptive parents here. 

The key is the level of emotional involvement of the care giver not the gender or social roles. There have been several pieces of research that have shown that children thrive more in single parent scenarios rather than cared by couples where one adult displays anti-social behaviour. It is less about whether a ‘man’ is present or not – it is about the care they can provide the child.

The overwhelming point here is about the quality of care not about who provides it. There are plenty of cases where biological connections do not ensure the child has the best care. I have recently attended training regarding childhood verbal abuse, which overwhelmingly occurs within the family unit. Globally, 41% of children have experienced harmful verbal abuse by adults around them. Verbal abuse can lead to feelings of sadness, low confidence, depression, and anxiety, among other emotional challenges.  

Lastly, the point made by this article is about social stigma and how that would somehow be a force for change. Is public shaming the key to change in a mature society? Is it really? Or is it yet another way an entitled segment of society is trying out to impose their morality? Maybe we should also end the stigma against people who do not want to have children. Some people want to be parents some do not – and in my experience – the latter, when forced to have children by societal norms – are more at risk of dissociation with their offspring.  

in various real-world scenarios. For instance:

Healthcare Costs: Here is a story from 2018 - "Teachers donate 100 sick days to colleague with cancer" commented a BBC news story - a wonderful gesture by that community. Nobody asked however why a person in that condition could not access resources and get paid time off from the employer or local government?  

Education Inequality: Here is one from 2023 in the US (International Business Times) - "College Football Player Gives His Scholarship To Teammate Who Sells His Plasma To Afford School" - maybe, just maybe, people should not have to sell plasma to afford an education.  

Mental Health: So many individuals running marathons to support charities like The Outside Project - a LGBTIQA+ Community Shelter, Centre and Domestic Abuse Refuge - housing those kicked out from home for being non-heterosexual.  

These stories, while important and well-meaning, can sometimes distract us from asking the bigger, harder questions.  

The Orphan-Crushing Machine metaphor is essentially a call to action—beyond celebrating acts of kindness - but more to invite people to critically examine the structures that perpetuate inequality and suffering. How about we look into dismantling oppressive structures rather than pat ourselves on the back for rescuing their victims?  

While there's clearly nothing wrong with celebrating heartwarming acts, it's crucial that we go deeper. What policies or systemic changes could prevent the problem from occurring in the first place? How can we challenge the status quo rather than accept it as an immovable reality?

In the end, the Orphan-Crushing Machine is a reminder to balance compassion with critical thinking. Let's save the orphans, yes—but let's also dismantle the machine. Or maybe, just until now, we are wired for miracles and we leave it all be as is...

life. It is also true that playing computer games can positively impact your mental well-being. 

Here’s how:

1. Stress Relief

Playing computer games can be a great way to unwind and escape from the stresses of daily life. Immersing yourself in a virtual world allows you to take a break from reality, providing a sense of relaxation and mental relief. Engaging in a game that you enjoy can help reduce stress levels and promote a more positive mood. Those of us who organise raiding parties in games such as World of Warcraft may beg to differ 😊!

2. Cognitive Enhancement

Many computer games are designed to challenge your brain and improve cognitive functions. Strategy games, puzzles, and role-playing games (RPGs) require critical thinking, problem-solving, and planning skills. Regularly engaging in these types of games can enhance your memory, attention, and overall cognitive abilities. 

3. Social Connection

Online multiplayer games offer opportunities for social interaction and connection. Whether you’re teaming up with friends or meeting new people from around the world, these games foster a sense of community and belonging. Building relationships and working together towards common goals can boost your social skills and combat feelings of loneliness. Leroy Jenkins! (only legends will know this!)

4. Emotional Resilience

Computer games often present players with challenges and obstacles that need to be overcome. Successfully navigating these challenges can build emotional resilience and teach you how to cope with failure and frustration. The sense of accomplishment and progress can also contribute to a positive self-image and increased self-confidence.

5. Mindfulness and Relaxation

Many games incorporate elements of mindfulness and relaxation, such as calming music, peaceful scenery, and meditative activities. These games can help players practice mindfulness techniques, reduce anxiety, and promote a sense of calm and well-being.

6. Gender exploration

Some games, such as the Mass Effect series allow the player to create their own character and ‘build’ their in-game gender in a way that differs from their real-world experience. In this way, some players, who are gender querying, can explore a fantasy world, in a safe space, getting a feel for what it would be like to be able to present in the gender or orientation they feel most genuine in.  

7. Physical Health Benefits

While it may seem counterintuitive, some computer games encourage physical activity. Motion-sensing games, such as those played on consoles with motion sensors, can get you up and moving. This physical activity can improve your mood, reduce stress, and promote overall health.

Playing computer games, in moderation, can offer a wide range of mental health benefits. From stress relief and cognitive enhancement to social connection and emotional resilience, the positive effects of gaming are numerous. It’s important to choose games that align with your interests and needs, and to balance gaming with other healthy activities. Remember, the key is to enjoy gaming as part of a well-rounded lifestyle that supports your mental and emotional well-being.

discrimination, homophobia, transphobia, and social exclusion. A commitment to social justice ensures that counsellors are not only supportive but also actively working to dismantle oppressive structures that harm their clients. 

Oppression is not a word I throw about in jest. It is very much a real lived experience of many clients I see. It can take the form of being subjected to homo/transphobic comments when visiting health services, not being taken seriously by law enforcement, not being able (in some countries) to take out a joint mortgage or recognised as next of kin, being bullied, verbally and physically assaulted, denied employment or support, thrown out of homes and shunned by families, being denied access to public toilets and many more. 

While technical skills and empathy are crucial for a therapist, a lack of commitment to social justice can limit a counsellor's ability to fully understand and address the unique challenges faced by LGBTQIA+ clients. Without this commitment, there's a risk of perpetuating the very systems of oppression that affirmative counselling seeks to challenge. A counsellor can become patronising, dismissive, insensitive or engage in micro-aggressions. There is a difference between making an honest mistake (I know I have made a few) and pathologizing or dismissing clients' real world issues as irrelevant. I have had clients who reported previous therapists denying their orientation by claiming they have just not met the right girl, or asking a couple of lesbians about intercourse. If not careful, the therapy room can become an area rife with the same imbalanced power dynamic as anywhere else. 

In essence,  without a commitment to social justice, the effectiveness and depth of support provided may be compromised. True affirmation goes beyond individual therapy sessions—it involves advocating for broader societal change to create a more inclusive and equitable world for all.

it actually holds a toy, they are demonstrating an understanding of ToM.  

As interesting as that may be from an academic point of view - why does this matter back in the real world?  Here are a few ways in which ToM is relevant:

Social Interaction: ToM is essential for effective communication and social interaction. It helps us predict how others might react in various situations.

Empathy: Understanding others' emotions fosters empathy, enabling us to connect on a deeper level. This connection is vital for forming friendships and maintaining social bonds.

Conflict Resolution: By recognizing differing perspectives, ToM allows individuals to see beyond their own viewpoint and consider the feelings and thoughts of others.

Developmental Milestone: Typically, children begin to develop Theory of Mind around the age of four. This development is crucial for their social skills and emotional intelligence.

Incorporating the principles of Theory of Mind into counselling practice can significantly enhance the therapeutic experience. By fostering empathy, improving communication, and tailoring interventions, counsellors can create a more effective and supportive environment for their clients. Equally, clients whose ToM development has been impaired by trauma, abuse or neglect, need even more guidance, unconditional positive regards and patience to progress in a meaningful way.  Certain communities, such as the LGBTQIA+ folk,  may face unique challenges. For example, individuals who grow up in non-affirming environments may struggle to understand their own identities and the perspectives of others. This can hinder their social interactions and emotional development. 

ToM development is not about intelligence or cognitive ability - it is about the ability to see the world from a different perspective and as such is important in emotional growth and development. 

So now you know...stay safe out there.

Mike